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WHY GAY DIVORCE?

The GOP is the "big tent" party, accepting of everyone. For example, President Bush's 2000 campaign was substantially assisted by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. We certainly don't agree with him that he's the Messiah — but we deeply appreciate his longstanding support.

Even same-sex couples find a place under the GOP tent. A great number of gays, given time and acceptance, eventually come to understand that same-sex partnering is as unnatural as, say, that between a man or a woman and an orange orangutan.

Fortunately for such gays, the GOP knows how to learn from our friends. For example, Mormons solve the problem of other religions by converting folks virtually, up in heaven. Could we solve the problem of gay marriage by virtually divorcing all gays — thus saving America the need for an expensive, time-consuming Constitutional amendment?

Indeed we could, but there's only one hitch:with 150 million folks of each sex in America, scientitst tell us there are at least 20,000,000,000,000,000 (20 quadrillion) possible threats to the sacred institution of Marriage in America alone.

And that's not counting those folks from other countries who are currently eligible for immigration, and therefore could conceive couple domestically. Factoring in the entire single-sex population of China, India, Europe, Western Africa, and South and Central America, we arrive at almost one sextillion inappropriate U.S. marriages — a number approaching the total number of stars in the universe!

Daunting indeed — but as President Bush always says:"Bring'em on!" In parallel with the President's pre-emptive wars abroad, Yes, Bush Can!is launching a true "shock and awe" strike at gay marriage, called ANUL@Home:Americans Negating Unnatural License.

WHAT IS ANUL@HOME?

ANUL@Home is a program modelled on SETI@home, which links home computers in a search for outer-space life. With ANUL@Home, conservatives' home computers are linked into a network capable of churning through the vast number of possible gay marriages and pre-emptively annulling each one — virtually, yes, but for real.

Once it has been installed on enough home computers, ANUL@Home will pre-empt the efforts of knee-jerk liberals to exploit the "democratic process" for the sake of the homosexual agenda, and will moreover save American taxpayers the millions of dollars a Constitutional Amendment would cost.

As for those gay Americans and American residents who are already married, the Bush Campaign is providing a one-signature process to dissolving gay marriages. If you are reasonable, gay, and in a same-sex marriage, simply sign our petition to dissolve your partnership. This service — unavailable anywhere else in America, even in states that allow for gay marriage!— is provided free to any American who wants it, regardless of his gender, color, or sexual preference.

Providing such needed services to embattled minorities is just one more way the Bush campaign can show America that, as millions of Americans already know — Yes, Bush Can!